Red Pill in Fiction: Oh My Freakin’ God Edition: Suddenly Royal

The cheesiness. Jesus, the sheer unrestrained female cheesiness. I couldn’t write anything more excessive than this. Well, maybe I could, but damn it would take effort.

Here’s one book description for Suddenly Royal by Nichole Chase:

Samantha Rousseau is used to getting her hands dirty. Working toward a master’s degree in wildlife biology while helping take care of her sick father, she has no time for celebrity gossip, designer clothes, or lazy vacations. So when a duchess from the small country of Lilaria invites her to dinner, Samantha assumes it’s to discuss a donation for the [wildlife biology?] program. The truth will change the course of her life in ways she never dreamed.

So far this is not terrible, though there’s that ominous “she has no time for celebrity gossip, designer clothes, or lazy vacations.” It’s ominous because, well, why even mention those things if they’re not on her mind? And how can you not have time for designer clothes? Not have money for them, sure, but not time? Weird. But the next paragraph… well, read:

Alex D’Lynsal is trying to keep his name clean. As crown prince of Lilaria [super-alpha], he’s had his share of scandalous headlines [bad boy], but the latest pictures have sent him packing to America and forced him to swear off women [gets a lot of (redacted), I mean female attention: preselection/social proof]—especially women in the public eye. That is, until he meets Samantha Rousseau. She’s stubborn, [Oh God, here we go] feisty, [OH MY GOD! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!] and incredibly sexy. [OH MY FUCKIN’ GOD!!!!!!!] Not to mention heiress to an estate [because the rest of the fantasy isn’t enough] in his country, which makes her everyone’s front-page news [attention whoring wet dream].

Could you pack more female fantasies into one paragraph? This is the female equivalent of a man writing, “So I was just sitting there in the sun, reading, when Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Paulina Porizkova (back when she was still hot), and Natalie Portman (back when she was still hot) came up to me and randomly offered to have a foursome with me for the next month. In the Bahamas. Which they’d pay for.” There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing, though men seem to have enough contact with reality that they don’t ask the world to accept their fantasies as “popular fiction.”

By the way, on the “feisty” thing: Many women have this fantasy that they’ll attract an alpha male by being “feisty” and “stubborn.” (While all the other girls fail to snag him because they’re too compliant.) I’m not sure what the psychology is here. My current best guess is that it’s snowflaking. I.e., “I’m going to stand out from the crowd by doing the opposite of what all the other girls do with alphas. I’m unique! No other girl is like me! No other girl ever thought of being ‘feisty’ before!” Gah, the triteness!

Continuing,

While Sam tries to navigate the new world of politics and wealth, she will also have to dodge her growing feelings for Alex. Giving in to them means more than just falling in love; it would mean accepting the weight of an entire country on her shoulders. [Oh, how very reluctant I am to become a princess by marriage, and then eventually – note he’s the crown prince – a Queen!]

Here’s a slightly shorter description at Amazon, which I’ll provide without comment so you can get the full effect of sentences like She’s stubborn, feisty, and incredibly sexy.

Samantha Rousseau is used to getting her hands dirty. Working on a master’s degree in wildlife biology while helping take care of her sick father, she has no time for celebrity gossip, designer clothes, or lazy vacations. So when a duchess from the small country of Lilaria invites her to dinner, Samantha assumes it’s to discuss a donation for the program. The truth will change the course of her life in ways she never dreamed . . . [ellipses in original]

As crown prince of Lilaria, Alex D’Lynsal has had his share of scandalous headlines, but the latest pictures in the press have sent him packing to America and forced him to swear off women. That is, until he meets Samantha Rousseau. She’s stubborn, feisty, and incredibly sexy. Not to mention heiress to an estate in his country, which makes her everyone’s front-page news. While Sam tries to navigate her new world of politics and wealth, she will also have to dodge her growing feelings for Alex. Giving in to them means more than just falling in love; it would mean accepting the weight of an entire country on her shoulders.

That substance dripping down your computer screen is pure, undiluted estrogen.

Ignoring the risk of Death By Cheese, I don’t really object to any of this, though it is mildly annoying that porn for men is accurately called “porn,” while porn for women is called “romance.”

That and the word feisty. Please, God, no. Send that word back to the fetid hell in which it, savvy, sassy, and quirky were spawned.

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