A central intellectual problem of seduction is this: Given that one of the hottest things you can do, as a young man, is have sex with a girl you really like as a friend, why is it that that almost never works? (Behold the infamous friend zone.) Evolutionary psychology says that this is a huge contradiction: If a behavior doesn’t work, we shouldn’t be wired to want to engage in that behavior.
I think the answer is that it is actually supposed to work that way, but young men have been given such terrible advice over the last half century or so. All the advice-column-type crap was telling us, basically, “Be her sexless neuter beta male supplicating orbiter.” That is horrendously evil advice to give to a young man and I’d love to give the people who say this kind of crap a pipe-wrench-facilitated lecture about the high cost of reconstructive surgery and the difficulty of speaking with all your teeth knocked out of your head.
What they should have been telling us is to do what the PUA community calls “building value.” Play a sport, flirt with other chicks, be in a band, dress cool, show amused mastery, pass her shit tests, etc. But all this in the context of a friendship or at least – No that’s the problem right there; the word “friendship” is wrong wrong wrong. It encourages you to think about this in a misguided way. It should be… what? The correct word is…? The correct concept is… ?
The English language doesn’t have a word for this. Young men desperately need such a word. It’s “I like you but I don’t need you and I’m not going to take any of your crap and if you try to get me to accept any of your crap it’s just amused mastery all the way babe, and we have some things in common but I’m not going to make a big deal out of that and NO, I’m not going to listen to you bitching about that one guy who made out with you at a party and then never called you last summer, and no, I’m not going to braid your hair you fuckwit! And yes, that dress makes your ass look INCREDIBLY FAT!!! and yes you can charm me but only when you cut out the fucking female crap and no you’re not going to slip that subtle bit of female crap past my goalie because I’m hip to that shit, you silly little girl and…”
We need a word for this. It’s not Playah or PUA. It’s…?
The standard advice to young men really was evil. It’s not funny. Many people, the vast majority of them female, told young men the exact wrong thing, the way to behave that would definitively PREVENT a relationship from going sexual. God, these people are almost unbelievably evil.
Don’t bitch about the word “sexual.” That’s what we’re talking about here. Sex is natural and healthy. And if you have an allegedly “romantic” relationship that’s not sexual, guess what? You’re using him as your non-sexual (and non-“romantic”) beta orbiter. You hear that, guys? You’re being used as her non-sexual (and non-“romantic”) beta orbiter. I mean, obviously, “romantic” doesn’t even mean anything if it doesn’t mean “sexual.” What would it mean? “We don’t have sex”? That’s nice. That’s also called being in a non-sexual, non-romantic friendship.
The core attitude for this kind of friendship/developing friendship situation is that you have to let her know that you like her when she’s not acting like a female asshat, and that if she acts like that you’re simply not going to take that kind of crap from her. The standard PUA phrase for this, of course, is “amused mastery.”
But in the PUA community, examples of amused mastery are typically offered in a pick-up scene context, e.g., at a bar. It usually is not portrayed in scenarios where it’s a girl you’ve started to have a little something going with emotionally and who is starting to give you those lethal, subtle shit tests that a girl does with a guy she’s friends or sort-of friends with. The casual, “Will you do me this favor…?” kind of shit test. Fuck, those are lethal, because when the girl isn’t snapping at you in an obnoxious tone of voice, you might not even notice that you’re being shit tested. Girls are utterly indifferent to the sheer unfairness, the sheer unreasonableness, of expecting a guy to pass a shit test that they deliberately engineer to be so subtle that he doesn’t even notice it. Once you’re hip to female games this sort of thing is blazingly obvious, but not when you’re like 14 and totally unprepared for such bad-faith behavior from the opposite sex.
See, this sort of thing is why young men need real-world, truthful advice about girls.