From: Mrs. Stanton, Middle School Music Director
To: Michael Porkwit, 8th grade
CC: Steven Brenner
Re: The Winter Holiday Concert
A memorandum about last night’s Winter Holiday Concert. As was necessary last year, I must ask you to moderate your behavior to respect those in the audience and members of the school community who have more delicate sensibilities.
1) Regarding the carol “Angels We Have Heard On High”: You started in unison with the other students, singing the opening lines
Angels we have heard on high,
sweetly singing o’er the plains.
But the next the lines are, emphatically, NOT
Why do angels eat hair pie?
It’s something no one can explain.
I Googled that expression after the concert, Mr. Porkwit, and I am appalled.
In the Introduction to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” Santa’s last two reindeer are not The Donald and Blitzkrieg. (And Rudolph’s nose is not red because “He hits the hooch too much.”)
2) On your behavior backstage:
Kissing under the mistletoe is a charming and romantic holiday tradition. One does not hold it over one’s crotch and say to girls, “How about a little Christmas sugar, Sugar?”
If you look at the CC line on this email you will note that I am copying Mr. Brenner, the Choral Director for the High School, which you’ll be attending next year if you graduate eighth grade. He’ll be keeping an eye on you.
Thanking you for keeping these requests in mind,
and with Best Wishes for a Happy and Well Mannered Holiday Season,