Au Revoir, Michael Porkwit

From: Steven Brenner, High School Music Director
To: Michael Porkwit, 11th grade
CC: Principal Dudley, Vice Principal Kurtz
Re: Recent events

That’s it, Michael. I just got out of a meeting about you with the Principal and Vice-Principal, and the decision has been made to expel you. Your parents will be notified today.

No, it is not funny to tell the boys in Special Ed that they can copy any object they want by masturbating their “reproductive fluid” into the school’s 3D printer. That is the most vulgar thing I’ve ever heard of from a student. Also, that is an expensive piece of equipment, and if it’s ruined, YOU are going to have to pay for a new one or for the cost of repairs. I wanted you to be forced to clean the mess you caused out of the machine, but since you’re expelled, I guess that’s not going to happen.

This puts the capstone on a spate of recent incidents that faculty have been trying to ignore up to now. It’s December and we’ve got end-of-semester meetings and whatnot. I wonder if you know this, and cynically time these little episodes of yours accordingly.

Anyway a list, and I’m not even sure this is comprehensive:

Regarding your innovative lyrics in chorus: Traditionally, it is Rudolph’s nose that glows in the dark, not any other body part.

Speaking of which, it was charming, when your Phys Ed teacher held class outside, to build some snow people for the amusement of the elementary school children across the street. That said, snowmen traditionally are not endowed with reproductive organs, let alone ones that are so prominent. Mrs. Gardner, the third grade recess monitor, snapped a photo of the snowman and sent it to me, and even from across the street his rather outsized endowment is quite visible. It would be visible from space, Mr. Porkwit.

An option that was on the table regarding you was a suspension, instead of expulsion, until you showed up for a disciplinary meeting with the Vice Principal and called his secretary “sugar-tits.” That’s what kicked you over the edge, in case you were wondering.

Treat this as an occasion to do some reflecting on your behavior. You’re irrepressible in your own weird little way, but you cannot get by on insouciance very long in the adult world. I chatted with the Guidance Counselor and he mentioned that for some reason the Jordan Machine Shop is willing to hire you on; I don’t know how you lucked into that job offer. At least it will keep you occupied, if you can manage not to get yourself fired, although the idea of you around industrial machinery is going to give me night sweats. Whatever. Maybe you’ll learn from all this and get your act together, and maybe you won’t. In either case you’re not my problem any more, thank goodness. Au revoir, Michael.

Mr. Brenner

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