I now present to the world my Romance novel written with Red Pill theory in mind.
Title: Ashley and the tall, muscular, preselected leader-of-men tough guy who’s gruff at first and used to be a thug/criminal with a rap sheet, but turns out to be misunderstood and is now reformed (due to our heroine’s appearance in his life!!!), secretly more wealthy than you’d think construction dude
Short title: Canonical
Female Porn Romance novel
Ashley looked out the window. The construction crew was generating a skull-splitting quantity of noise, ripping up the sidewalk with a jackhammer at 6:30 in the morning! (Something about the word “jackhammer” made Ashley a little warm, but she couldn’t quite figure out why. Never mind.)
“Can’t believe it,” she muttered darkly. She threw on her bathrobe and strode purposefully out the door, slamming it to announce her presence. (Something about the word “slamming” made Ashley a little warm, but she couldn’t quite figure out why. Never mind.) She was a strong, decisive, modern woman, and she’d show those construction workers who was boss!
The slamming of the door hadn’t been heard over the sound of the jackhammer. She was forced to walk up to the man operating it and tap him on the shoulder.
He switched off the jackhammer, turned to Ashley, and removed his ear protectors. “Yeah, what?”
“That device is keeping me from sleeping!” Ashley said. “And probably the rest of the neighborhood too!”
“Sorry, miss,” he said. “Gotta do the job.” He put his ear protectors back on and turned back to the jackhammer. She tapped his shoulder before he could start it up again. He turned back and removed the protectors. “What?” His tone was annoyed.
“Sleep,” Ashley repeated. “Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. It’s something humans need. Didn’t your alien overlords tell you that before they sent you here?”
He put his protectors back on. “I’m sorry, miss, but you’ll have to file a complaint with the…” the rest of his reply was lost as he had already turned away and started the jackhammer up again before he had finished.
All right, that’s enough. If I were going to actually write this, which I don’t intend to do any time soon, I’d have it go something like this:
1. Boss of the construction crew comes over and asks Ashley the problem; she tells him. He orders the jackhammer dude to turn it off and do something else. (Leader of men.)
2. However, his behavior toward Ashley is gruff, uninterested, and a little irritated. (Jerky. Plus, uninterested: the girl has to win the guy over.)
3. Ashley tries to go back inside and realizes that she accidentally locked herself out of her apartment when she slammed the door. Thus she looks “charmingly dorky.” (Chicks think “charmingly dorky” is an actual thing. They picture themselves as Meg Ryan or Winona Ryder in one of those shriekingly boring “cute” RomComs from the 1990s. Women! Fuck! [Sorry, ladies. I’m not lactose-intolerant, but sometimes entertainment for women is so cheesy that my reaction makes me feel like I am. The point being, that women make me fart. No, that’s not the point. The point is, God, the cheesiness!]) This auto-lockout on Ashley’s part lets the construction boss – Mike HardPec – do something clever to open the door, thus revealing that he used to be a thief. (Bad boy bad boy bad boy bad boy bad boy ZOMG all hands on
4. Over the next few days, it turns out that a few other construction dudes are totally attracted to Ashley, but she is not interested in them. (A woman loves the idea of lots of men wanting her but unable to have her. This contrasts with a man, who wants lots of women to want him so he can go ahead and bang them all.)
5. One morning some dude tries to mug Ashley as she leaves for work, but Mike HardPec beats him up. (Tough guy.)
6. The next evening Ashley sees Mike HardPec in a dive near her house, Mike having gone there for a beer after working on her street. He has a hot babe sitting on his lap when Ashley walks in. The babe is physically perfect in every way but for some reason Mike doesn’t seem that interested in her, at least after he notices ASHLEY WALK IN!!!!!!!!!! ZOMG!!! Ashley would never enter such a low-quality establishment in the normal course of events. (She does, however, have an occasional drink in an expensive, “classy” bar frequented by high-priced lawyers and hedge fund billionaires and so forth, where Ashley goes with her group of three girlfriends, just to get out of the house, mind you, not to put themselves in the proximity of high-socioeconomic-status men, though such men come on to Ashley ALL THE TIME, which she, mind you, just finds tiresome.) Tonight, however, Ash has to go to the dive because they also sell, let’s say, anal dildos. NO!!! Because they also sell Coke and Ashley needs some caffeine to finish the project that…
7. …Her TOTAL BITCH of a boss is making her do faster than is reasonable. Ashley is of course going to defeat this enraging manifestation of intra-sexual competition by the end of the novel. Ash is also going to get a promotion out of it somehow. Also, the bitch boss’s boyfriend is going to totes fall for Ashley, even though Ash has done absolutely NOTHING to encourage this, because she’s such a nice, demure girl, and by the way, is totally not a slut. Rather, the bitch boss’s boyfriend just can’t help himself because Ash is so totes hot. Thus BitchBoss is humiliated as well as defeated.
8. Meanwhile, Ashley’s ex-boyfriend, who is a quintillionaire, is still pining for Ashley. She broke up with him a few months ago. Note SHE broke up with HIM. It was because he was too possessive, because Ashley is so, so desirable. Her ex is tall, good-looking, and well-built, but somehow he just can’t find another woman and forget about Ashley. It’s almost as if Our Heroine is forced to choose between two attractive men!!! Which will she choose? WHICH WILL SHE CHOOSE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
9. In the end she chooses SURPRISE!!! Mike HardPec. Mike explains that when he was acting all angry and standoffish back in Chapter Ten, it was merely because Ashley is so very attractive that it confused him – he felt like he was losing control of his emotions, it was just so overwhelming how desirable Ashley is – so he freaked out and had to get away from Ashley. But because Ash is so totes awesome in every way, he has now gotten over his committmentaphobia and wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
(Note to women: Men don’t really behave like this. If you’re hot, then I’m going to bang you. It’s simple. “But mightn’t a girl be so overwhelmingly—” Nope. Not after a man is experienced enough to know what to do. (A twelve-year-old boy might get freaked out because he doesn’t know what to do about that chick that has a crush on him. But that’s about lack of experience; different thing.) “But shouldn’t there be complications and dramatic—” No. If you look like Greta Buz and you’re ready to go, then I’m ready to go. I speak for 100% of heterosexual men here. “But you can’t actually speak for 100% of heterosexual men.” Yeah, actually, I can.)
And as they drive off in his million-dollar Ferrari, he explains that he has a lot of money due to inheriting it from a wealthy relative who has died.
Who was a duke in some European country, so Mike now bears that title.
And he finally confesses to her that he’s in a rock band, which is why he had to sneak off all those times – it was for concerts, not to cheat on Ash.
Also, he confesses that he’s a vampire and so has supernatural powers.
I am definitely NOT releasing this into the public domain. Someday maybe I’ll write it and make a shintillion dollars. (A shintillion is a bazillion to the tenth power.)