Miscellany 14: ynallecsiM gnillevarT-emiT

(6) Where did the name of this blog come from, anyway?

I’m not really sure. Aside from just thinking it was a cool word, and a possible band name (when I was younger), it may have been partly inspired by Anders Sandberg’s comment on his website, on his favorite metal:

“Mercury. Reflective, heavy, quick moving, poisons your brain.”

(5)

Both parties lie and have always lied, but lie for different reasons. Since Democrats represent the left, and the left is the group of the incompetent and undeserving clawing their way to power over their natural betters, they lie pathologically and universally about the world itself in a nonstop attempt to invert or subvert the natural order that would normally place them at the bottom.

—A commenter at Vox Popoli.

(4) A piece of unintentional comedy in the comments trail at aramblingcollective, April 2019:

“We need more self-build collectives, with a government land-fund and a development agency like the old Housing Corporation – but better. That would also require design guidelines to promote aesthetic diversity

These people are absolutely beyond satire.

(3) Razorfist a.k.a. rageaholic, is hilarious.

Here he is on early 20th century pulp comic hero Solomon Kane:

(Video link hat tip to John C. Wright.)

Razorfist sums up Kane as a “buckle-shoed badass,” a “sunken-eyed pallid Puritan fanatic in a felt slouch hat and form-fitting black Quaker garb, expertly wielding a rapier, a dagger, and a pair of fuckin’ flintlock pistols.” Kane is a kind of “supernatural bounty hunter,” but at least as often he goes up against foes whose supernatural nature is coated in a veneer of pseudo-scientific bafflegab.

Purely natural villains also abound, e.g. when Kane happens across a girl who has been killed, and hunts down the “Franco-Belgian fuckbags” (LOL) who did it.

SolKane1

I’d never heard of Solomon Kane before watching this Razorfist vid, but watching it instantly made me want to strap on a brace of pistols and some sort of blade weapon and stride about the world in a wide-brimmed hat, dispensing justice at sword-point. If it doesn’t inspire the same reaction in you, then check your pulse, because I think you might be dead.

“A damn fine movie” is Razorfist’s assessment of the 2009 Solomon Kane flick. But he’s pissed that it wasn’t released in the US until 2012, and condemns farming out the distribution to “a beret-bedecked gaggle of Euro-trash art fags,” LOL. (No hate to my European readers, bitches.)

SolKane2
Just another day at the office.

You have to watch Razorfist to believe him. He’s wonderfully profane, with a swear-to-non-swear ratio of about 600, which spills out of him because he’s just so fucking enthused, motherfuckers (see, now I’m doing it) about the character, the stories, and the pulps in general.

(2) Red pill in reality: I recently read this 2014 piece on asshole Feinstein because it appeared on Anon Conserv circa September 16, 2018:

What’s of interest is the red pill item in the last paragraph:

A serial killer “whose swagger and looks once garnered courtroom groupies, including one misguided female juror who fell in love with Richard yet voted to convict him.”

Fell in love with a serial killer. Jesus! Well, at least she voted to convict.

(1) In NBC “think piece,” raging feminist loon says space exploration is colonialist rape, etc.

(Via this guy.)

Actual title: The patriarchal race to colonize Mars is just another example of male entitlement

Photo caption: Houston, we have a problem. And it’s the patriarchy.

You really can’t tell any more whether this sort of thing is sincere or just the media organization trying to drum up hits by being as idiotic as possible.

Other quotes:

The desire to colonize — to have unquestioned, unchallenged and automatic access to something, to any type of body, and to use it at will — is a patriarchal one.

And

It is the same instinctual and cultural force that teaches men that everything — and everyone — in their line of vision is theirs for the taking. You know, just like walking up to a woman and grabbing her by the pussy.

If this doesn’t seem to make sense, just take another bong hit. Repeat as needed.

I’m more of a Dale Gribble kind of guy: “Earth First! Make Mars our bitch!”

Bonus: The Author Bio informs us that “Marcie Bianco is a writer and the Editorial and Communications Manager of the Clayman Institute for Gender Research at Stanford University.”

Of course she is.

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Auto-Generated Wokeness!

Why waste time thinking up rhetoric to prove your wokeness and accuse people you dislike of thoughtcrime? Not only does thinking take time, it violates the entire spirit of social justice warriorhood.

Software to the rescue! The next time you’re getting your ass kicked by logic and facts, just use one of these convenient examples of PC rhetoric, randomly generated by the magic of computers!

The Gauss code is provided below as a public service. Here is a sample of its output:

Victims of Islamophobia are continually raped by frat boys.
Those whose experiences are denied have historically been devalued by heternormativity.
Homosexuals are hyper-offended by institutionalized sexism.
Wymyn are offended by institutionalized racism.
Lesbians are super-offended by fat-shaming. LOL, I’ll bet.
Those with alternative body types are continually raped by white men. They wish.
Transgendered persons are continually raped by those who deny their own privilege.
Victims of Islamophobia are silenced by institutionalized Islamophobia.
Victims of Islamophobia feel threatened by rape culture. Self-hating?
Homosexuals feel unsafe in the presence of frat boys. Believe me, homosexuals, you have nothing to worry about.
Lesbians are victims of genocide perpetrated by self-hatred caused by the broader culture.
People of color are hyper-offended by rape culture.
Homosexuals have historically been devalued by a culture that portrays heterosexuality as ‘normal’. This one actually “makes sense,” to the extent that any SJW rhetoric makes sense.
People of color are silenced by homophobia.
People whose voices have been silenced feel threatened by rape culture.
Transgendered persons are ultra-offended by fat-shaming.
Victims are continually raped by rape culture.
Those whose experiences are denied are triggered by self-hatred caused by the broader culture. This is a great all-purpose piece of SJW rhetoric. Just copy and paste into any comment thread involving identity politics of any sort!
Oppressed minorities are mega-offended by racists.
Victims of Islamophobia are mega-offended by heternormativity. Not really, no.
Victims feel unsafe in the presence of fat-shaming.
Transgendered persons are victims of genocide perpetrated by incursions into their safe spaces.
Wymyn are victims of genocide perpetrated by exclusionary rhetoric.
Homosexuals feel unsafe in the presence of racism.
People of color are super-offended by those who deny their own privilege.
Those with alternative body types are triggered by transphobes.
People whose voices have been silenced are continually raped by exclusionary rhetoric. Another all-purpose one.
Wymyn are ultra-offended by homophobia.

GAUSS CODE:

To use this you must have Gauss, obviously, and you must do a global find and replace to replace each “(lessthan)” with the mathematical symbol for less than. I couldn’t include that symbol here because the html will interpret it as an attempt to open an html tag.

new;
output file=c:\randomPC.out reset;
cls;

maxval=2;

i=1;
do while i(lessthan)maxval;

def=rndu(1,1); @ Generate a random number. @
h=def*1.2;

if h(lessthan)0.1;
“Wymyn”;
abc=9;
elseif h(lessthan)0.2;
“People of color”;
abc=19;
elseif h(lessthan)0.3;
“Lesbians”;
abc=12;
elseif h(lessthan)0.4;
“Historically oppressed groups”;
abc=33;
elseif h(lessthan)0.5;
“Oppressed minorities”;
abc=24;
elseif h(lessthan)0.6;
“People whose voices have been silenced”;
abc=42;
elseif h(lessthan)0.7;
“Victims”;
abc=11;
elseif h(lessthan)0.8;
“Transgendered persons”;
abc=25;
elseif h(lessthan)0.9;
“Homosexuals”;
abc=15;
elseif h(lessthan)1;
“Victims of Islamophobia”;
abc=27;
elseif h(lessthan)1.1;
“Those with alternative body types”;
abc=37;
else;
“Those whose experiences are denied”;
abc=38;
endif;

locate(i,abc-2);

fex=rndu(1,1); @ Generate another random number. @
f=fex*14;

if f(lessthan)1;
“have always been oppressed by”;
qrs=33;
elseif f(lessthan)2;
“are silenced by”;
qrs=19;
elseif f(lessthan)3;
“feel unsafe in the presence of”;
qrs=34;
elseif f(lessthan)4;
“feel threatened by”;
qrs=22;
elseif f(lessthan)5;
“have historically been devalued by”;
qrs=38;
elseif f(lessthan)6;
“have had their culture appropriated by”;
qrs=42;
elseif f(lessthan)7;
“are victims of genocide perpetrated by”;
qrs=42;
elseif f(lessthan)8;
“are continually raped by”;
qrs=28;
elseif f(lessthan)9;
“are triggered by”;
qrs=20;
elseif f(lessthan)10;
“are offended by”;
qrs=19;
elseif f(lessthan)11;
“are super-offended by”;
qrs=25;
elseif f(lessthan)12;
“are hyper-offended by”;
qrs=25;
elseif f(lessthan)13;
“are ultra-offended by”;
qrs=25;
else;
“are mega-offended by”;
qrs=24;
endif;

locate(i,abc+qrs-5);

he=rndu(1,1); @ Generate another random number. @
hf=he*2.4;

if hf(lessthan)0.1;
s4= “white men.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)0.2;
s4= “the heteropatriarchy.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)0.3;
s4= “a culture of silence.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)0.4;
s4= “rape culture.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)0.5;
s4= “heternormativity.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)0.6;
s4= “religious bigotry.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)0.7;
s4= “misogyny.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)0.8;
s4= “racism.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)0.9;
s4= “institutionalized racism.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1;
s4= “institutionalized sexism.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.1;
s4= “denial of their Title IX rights.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.2;
s4= “institutionalized Islamophobia.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.3;
s4= “homophobia.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.4;
s4= “transphobes.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.5;
s4= “angry white men.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.6;
s4= “a culture that portrays heterosexuality as ‘normal’.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.7;
s4= “fat-shaming.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.8;
s4= “racists.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)1.9;
s4= “those who deny their own privilege.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)2;
s4= “mansplaining.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)2.1;
s4= “exclusionary rhetoric.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)2.2;
s4= “incursions into their safe spaces.”;
elseif hf(lessthan)2.3;
s4= “frat boys.”;
else;
s4= “self-hatred caused by the broader culture.”;
endif;

s4;

i=i+1;
endo;

Miscellany 13: In Soviet Union, Miscellany reads YOU!

(1) This judicial pick exemplifies my concern about some of Trump’s judicial nominees. This one, Bridget Bade, even got the approval of Dianne Feinstein, for fuck’s sake! That’s not a good sign.
https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-picked-ninth-circuit-judge-clears-last-hurdle-to-confirmation-with-more-in-the-pipeline

(2) That said, it is still true that concern trolls are worthless cunts (see here, for example.). I know, it’s obvious, but here’s yet another point about them:

If Trump says, “I’ll build a wall” and the wall isn’t built three seconds later, the concern trolls start screaming, “He was lying! He never intended to build a wall!”
(This one is particularly stupid now that he has appropriated the funds and declared an emergency to build it.)

But if Trump says, “I’ll invade Venezuela” and Venezuela isn’t invaded three seconds later, they don’t say, “He was lying! He never intended to invade Venezuela!” They shriek “Oh my God! He’s going to invade Venezuela and get us involved in an unnecessary war!”

There are detectable differences between concerns expressed sincerely and ones that aren’t. The concern troll crowd is obviously not sincere. They say we should take him at his word only when they hope it can be used to lower morale of people on the right.

(3) Menelaos Apostolou. Sexual selection under parental choice: the evolution of human mating behaviour. 2014.

There’s nothing else about this available except a short abstract. The point is, people are starting to grok that evolved sexual preference evolved in the presence of parental constraints on behavior. In particular, female mating was a probabilistic function of both what the girl wanted and what her parents wanted. (That is still true in many Muslim societies today.) I have no specific point to assert, just that we need to allow for the possibility that this was significant as we continue to make progress in the evo psych of sexual psychology and behavior.

(4) Amusing gif with Trump as Neo:

Especially apt now that the Mueller report has ended the Deep State-media conspiracy to overthrow the President. They’re still trying, of course, but at this point it’s just because they can’t help themselves.

(5) Beautiful Women in the 1970s and Now

I recently watched Rollerball (the 1975 original, not the 2002 re-make/sequel).

Wow, the music!
Per Wikipedia:
• Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor,
•The Adagio in G minor by Albinoni/Giazotto,
• The Largo from Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 5.

And the girls! The brunette at the hero’s ranch… the “I’m not a librarian” girl. She’s fucking gorgeous! … and the hero’s ex-wife, who shows up in the second half. Her cheekbones are like wrecking balls!

Why don’t we see girls like this in movies or TV any more? We don’t. And that worries me. Have endocrine disruptors, the Pill, and various meds in our water actually fucked up our physiology? Seriously, watch this movie (stills on the Net are not the same; don’t bother) and check out all the women, but especially the “not a librarian” girl and the main character’s ex-wife. And tell me if you’ve seen women like this in pop culture any time in the last two decades. I haven’t.

Beautiful women, yes, of course. But beautiful women who look like those girls? No. No time this century.

This is really, I’m not kidding, weird.

(6) People figure out how to steer a “self-driving” car into oncoming traffic. https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2019/04/researchers-trick-tesla-autopilot-into-steering-into-oncoming-traffic/

“Researchers have devised a simple attack that might cause a Tesla to automatically steer into oncoming traffic under certain conditions. The proof-of-concept exploit works not by hacking into the car’s onboard computing system, but by using small, inconspicuous stickers that trick the Enhanced Autopilot of a Model S 75 into detecting and then following a change in the current lane.”

It’s time to stop the self-driving car thing. Just give it a rest, leftists. We know you want this so you can control our movements. Better solution: Stop being a bunch of totalitarian psychopaths. Then you won’t have to worry about getting strung up on lamp posts in the first place.

Miscellany 12: Miscellany Theories: Neo-Classical vs. Post-Modern

1) You have gotta be fucking kidding me. National Review took money from Google. Maybe is still doing so.

Well, that explains a lot.

2) George Soros demonstrates that psychopaths can’t think like normal people. In particular, they can’t seem to process what a normal person finds desirable and not desirable.

In an essay at MarketWatch Soros writes,

“Europe is sleepwalking into oblivion, and the people of Europe need to wake up before it is too late. If they don’t, the European Union will go the way of the Soviet Union in 1991.”

As if anyone is going to be like, “Oh no! We all miss the USSR so much!” Severe rhetoric fail.

(Via http://voxday.blogspot.com/2019/02/no-one-misses-ussr-george.html)

3) Oh my freakin God, how bad is sex advice from women?

In Search of the Secret Switch

What is that elusive, secret switch you can flick to turn women on? I wonder whether you men suspect we women have one, whether we’re all in a giant conspiracy to hide it from you, sort of like Samson and Delilah in reverse.

If I could share any secret with you, it would be this: we women don’t actually know what that switch is either. …[But] let me give you a few thoughts that will at least send you in the right direction.

1. Tell Your Wife She’s Beautiful [in other words, “Act beta.”]
2. Touch Her Without Expecting It to Go Anywhere [“Act beta.”]
3. Don’t Increase Her Exhaustion [She elaborates: “If you want more sex, then go out of your way to make sure your wife isn’t exhausted. Pick up a mop. Put the kids in bed.” In other words, “Act beta.” Meanwhile, back in RealityLand, Heartiste once cited a study that showed that couples in which the men did a lot of housework had less sex. The actual cure for your wife’s “exhaustion”: If you act more alpha, you’ll find that she mysteriously feels well energized when sexytime rolls around.]
4. Talk to Her [As long as what you’re saying is, “Put on those four-inch spike heels that I like.”]
5. Figure Out What Feels Good to Her [“Act beta.”]
6. Trash the Porn
7. Clean Is Sexy
8. Love Her Anyway [“Act beta.”]

Via Dalrock, who amusingly translates and breaks down this addle-pated woman’s advice to husbands about sex.

4) This year is the 100th anniversary of Kipling’s “Gods of the Copybook Headings.”

5) March 2, 2019: President Trump says he’ll sign executive order for free speech on college campuses. Sweeeeeeet!
https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/432328-trump-says-hell-sign-executive-order-for-free-speech-on-college

President Trump announced Saturday he intends to sign an executive order mandating colleges and universities take steps to guarantee free speech to attain federal research grants.

“We reject oppressive speech codes, censorship, political correctness and every other attempt by the hard left to stop people from challenging ridiculous and dangerous ideas. These ideas are dangerous,” Trump said. “Instead we believe in free speech, including online and including on campus.”

“Today I’m proud to announce that I will be very soon signing an executive order requiring colleges and universities to support free speech if they want federal research grants.”

DOOOOONNNNNNNNAAAAAAAALLLLLLLDDD!

6) Meta stuff:
• Edited the About page.
• Took Eric Raymond off my blogroll and replaced it with Setting the Record Straight: https://aidanmaclear.wordpress.com/

C. S. Lewis and Clinical Narcissists

C. S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce is about a final split between all things heavenly and all things hellish.

It is told in first person, as an account of a dream. The narrator comes to his senses in a dreary town. The general mood of the inhabitants is quarrelsomeness. Later we learn that this is, of course, hell.

He gets into a conversation with someone who has been there longer, who mentions that he knows two people who journeyed to the house of Napoleon Bonaparte in hell.

“They went up and looked through one of the windows. Napoleon was there all right.”

“What was he doing?”

“Walking up and down— up and down all the time— left-right, left-right— never stopping for a moment. The two chaps watched him for about a year and he never rested. And muttering to himself all the time. ‘It was Soult’s fault. It was Ney’s fault. It was Josephine’s fault. It was the fault of the Russians. It was the fault of the English.’ Like that all the time. Never stopped for a moment. A little, fat man and he looked kind of tired. But he didn’t seem able to stop it.”

Does this remind you of anyone?

Try this:

“They went up and looked through one of the windows. She was there all right.”

“What was she doing?”

“Walking up and down— up and down all the time— left-right, left-right— never stopping for a moment. The two chaps watched her for about a year and she never rested. And muttering to herself all the time. ‘It was Comey’s fault. It was WikiLeaks’s fault. It was Pepe the Frog’s fault. It was the fault of the Russians. It was the fault of misogynists.’ Like that all the time. Never stopped for a moment. A little, fat woman and she looked kind of tired. But she didn’t seem able to stop it.”

Miscellany 11: I Miscellanied ya mutha. ’Cause she wanted it. She wanted it BAD.

1) David Burge (a.k.a. IowaHawk), October 24, 2018:

2) James Woods after being reinstated on Twitter:

Some leftist asshole to Woods: “Thought you were sent packing.”

Woods:

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woods is now my second favorite celebrity, second only to a certain real estate developer and reality TV star who got himself elected President through the outrageously unorthodox method of telling the truth about important things.

3) That’s funny right there:

“An Experimental Test of the Validity of Survey-Measured Political Ideology,” by Laméris, Maite D. and Jong-A-Pin, Richard and Wiese, Rasmus, (July 09, 2018). CESifo Working Paper Series No. 7139.

ABSTRACT: We examine the predictive validity of survey-measured left-right political ideology by testing whether this measure is able to explain observed choices regarding equality versus efficiency. We study this in a real-effort distribution experiment, in which decision-makers allocate money equally or efficiently… We find that, conditional on entitlement concerns, self-reported right-wing ideology significantly predicts preferences for efficiency. Reported left-wing ideology does not have predictive value in explaining preferences for equality.

LOL.

Leftists don’t have beliefs. They have things which they are currently shouting about.

As just one example, before the election of 2016 it was, “Oh my god! Trump refuses to acknowledge that it’s totally impossible to interfere with US elections! That proves he’s a fascist!”

Immediately after it was, “Russia interfered with US elections! Anyone who doesn’t acknowledge that is a fascist!”

Normal people have beliefs, meaning things they believe. Leftists have slogans that they shout for political reasons. The semantic content of these slogans is not much more important than the semantic content of loud music played to keep people awake during sleep deprivation torture.

It’s the volume that matters, not the words.

As the “no election meddling!”/“election meddling!” thing shows, Orwell in 1984 did not exaggerate about the whip-fast reversal of leftists’ slogans.

4) Q Anon debunked by one of its originators:

http://thefederalist.com/2018/10/29/trolling-fleecing-co-creator-q-hoax-explains-dangerous-evolution/

People on the right need to stop giving credence to this distraction. Anonymous Conservative, e.g., has gone down the rabbit hole with this lately.

5) Note on the current holiness spiral: Aside from the main driving dynamic, which is essentially a Prisoner’s Dilemma with a large number of players, I suspect it’s exacerbated by the left’s obsession with Saul Alinsky. One of Alinsky’s “rules for radicals” is:

The major premise for tactics is the development of operations that will maintain a constant pressure upon the opposition.

This strikes me as good advice as long as you haven’t achieved your goals. But when you’ve achieved your goals, or all your reasonable ones anyway, and you keep up the pressure, that just means you’re pushing for things that are unreasonable, and then, in short order, downright insane. Trannies in your daughter’s school bathroom, abolishing all immigration enforcement, etc. At that point you’ve started destroying your own broad-based support. Then you start experiencing things like losing elections you thought you had a 98.5% (LOL) chance of winning.

So here is an aspect for which Alinsky’s advice helped the left at first, but eventually ended up hurting them.

By the way, we on the right are nowhere near having achieved all our reasonable goals, obviously, so every person on the right should read Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals. It’s cynical as hell – he was a leftist, after all – but also practical.

6) A lot of people a month or so ago were worried that Trump was going to cuck on the border wall and the shut-down brinksmanship. I admit, I was one of them. But he’s holding firm so far, and if anything, dialing up the pressure on Congressional Democrats. See the post and comments here, for example:
https://blog.jim.com/party-politics/white-pill-on-the-shutdown-and-wall/

I had forgotten that when we’re told that President Trump is caving, there are two things to keep in mind:

(1) Don’t heed the media, DUH! They love to say that he’s caving, partly because they know it can de-moralize some of his supporters and partly because they’re prone to wishful thinking.

(2) Vox Day’s two-day rule: Whenever it looks like the T-Dawg is caving, wait AT LEAST two days before you react.

There’s also a possible third force in play: That people like Ann Coulter, and many others expressing their anger at the apparent cuck-out, influenced Trump for the better. Given that, I am not at all inclined to tell everyone to remain calm all the time, because it may be that a little UN-calm is helpful. Coulter has one point of view, and though maybe she goes a leeettle too far sometimes, I think voices like hers help to remind El Maximo Presidente that we are paying attention and that the immigration issue is still crucial. It wasn’t a brief fad of public opinion that happened to matter around Election Day 2016.

7) Here’s a project for somebody with too much time on his hands:

Do bands fronted by a chick have lower life expectancy than all-dude bands?

I expect so, because a woman fronting a band will often cause unnecessary drama, strife, and conflict.

Going after this question empirically would be an enormous undertaking and I am not going to do it. If anyone wants to do it they should, I think, limit it to bands with a song in the Top 20 in a given year. Then go to Infogalactic or wherever and find the date the band formed and the date of the breakup (or the first breakup if the band gets back together later). Grabbing data from one year, say 1990, might be enough of a data set; I imagine there are a lot of bands in the Top 20 (or Top X, you choose X).

8) Red Pill in Reality: A female lion forced to live with a beta male kills him:

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2018/11/20/what-happens-when-you-force-a-female-to-live-among-beta-males/

[T]he killing of the male lion by the mother of his cubs at the Indianapolis Zoo on Monday, Oct. 15, has [a lion specialist] perplexed.

“The attack that occurred took everyone by surprise; it surprised me,” he said. “I’ve never heard of a female attacking a male.”

He said there have been observations of groups of females attacking strange males if they are seen as a threat, but the females generally just wound and chase away the males, not kill them.

…Zuri held Nyack down by the neck until he suffocated to death. […]

…Packer thinks it might have happened because she was domineering over him, and called this an “odd combination” because lionesses are generally submissive to male lions…

“The main lesson here is…that it’s something that can happen. If you have that combination of an aggressive female and submissive male, it might not be the ideal configuration.”

Ya. Fuckin’. THINK?

Another Holiday Memo

Mistletoe

From: Mrs. Stanton, Middle School Music Director
To: Michael Porkwit, 8th grade
CC: Steven Brenner
Re: The Winter Holiday Concert

Michael,

A memorandum about last night’s Winter Holiday Concert. As was necessary last year, I must ask you to moderate your behavior to respect those in the audience and members of the school community who have more delicate sensibilities.

To wit,

1) Regarding the carol “Angels We Have Heard On High”: You started in unison with the other students, singing the opening lines

Angels we have heard on high,
sweetly singing o’er the plains.

But the next the lines are, emphatically, NOT

Why do angels eat hair pie?
It’s something no one can explain.

I Googled that expression after the concert, Mr. Porkwit, and I am appalled.

In the Introduction to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” Santa’s last two reindeer are not The Donald and Blitzkrieg. (And Rudolph’s nose is not red because “He hits the hooch too much.”)

2) On your behavior backstage:

Kissing under the mistletoe is a charming and romantic holiday tradition. One does not hold it over one’s crotch and say to girls, “How about a little Christmas sugar, Sugar?”

If you look at the CC line on this email you will note that I am copying Mr. Brenner, the Choral Director for the High School, which you’ll be attending next year if you graduate eighth grade. He’ll be keeping an eye on you.

Thanking you for keeping these requests in mind,
and with Best Wishes for a Happy and Well Mannered Holiday Season,
Mrs. Stanton